Kiva Schuler Founder of the Jai Institute

Photo c/o Jai Institute

Tell us about the mission of the Jai Institute for Parenting

“So, at the end of the day our mission is about children and giving them the best conditions possible to journey to adulthood with their self-esteem and their confidence intact, and having morals and values and integrity that has been instilled in them by their parents. We know that the best way to do this is to give parents the tools of conscious communication, of emotional intelligence, and to help them understand enough about childhood development so that they can have appropriate expectations of their children as they age.” 

“And most importantly, what really gets to the crux of our work, is becoming the leaders that can raise children who will solve the very real problems that we have, which means that adults need to do the work of learning the things first that we want our children to embody as they get

older, and learn the things that we didn’t learn from our parents — not because they didn’t love us, or have good intentions, but because the cycles of power dynamics and the emotional reactivity and the kind of the frazzled nature of the world that we live in has most adults not knowing how to do what we ask our children to do. So we train [parenting] coaches, because coaches provide an opportunity for adults to actually change their behavior. We can read about it, we can watch videos about it, we can beat ourselves up for not doing it, but real behavior change in grown-ups by in large requires  support.”

What inspired you to found Jai?

“My parents were divorced when I was really young and my father remarried, so I have a half brother who is eight years younger than me. And because of that age difference I had a perspective of watching the way that he was parented that really impacted me. When I was 16 years old, he was being really harshly punished for not finishing his dinner, and I remember sitting behind him, and watching his little body slumped over, his head down. I could just see that his spirit was being crushed, and I made myself a promise in that moment that when I became a parent, I would do whatever it took to do it fairly. And I really remember that word, fairly. It all felt very unfair to me as a kid. Flash forward, and of course I have my own kids 20 something years later, and it wasn’t as easy to live into that promise as I thought it would be. I think many parents think we’re going to be a certain kind of mom or dad, but you know our stuff comes up! And so I was already a life coach, I studied psychology and was really into family dynamics in college, and you know over the course of several years that led to founding what is now the Jai Institute for Parenting.”

What was the inspiration for writing The Peaceful Parenting (R)evolution? Was there a lightbulb moment of inspiration or was it a slow burn that grew in your mind over time?

“I did not want to write this book. You know, I am not the parenting expert at Jai. Our curriculum is created by a psychiatrist, a social worker, and a pediatrician, and so I don’t ever want to be perceived as someone who is telling other people how to raise their kids, so I wrote it rather reluctantly, under duress almost. And I’m really glad that I wrote it, because what I realized is that our community, the people who are drawn to peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, conscious parenting — whatever you want to call — it don’t need to be convinced that they shouldn’t be yelling at their kids or using timeouts or spanking; that’s very clear and yet getting that whole piece right is so hard. So what do I do instead? Do I just throw up my hands and, you know, let caution to the wind? And so what I can see now with the perspective of having written the book and getting the feedback of so many readers is that this book gives the framework of the how. And not just in a tools and tactics and strategies way, but in really showing us how to do the inner work to allow the tools, tactics, and strategies to be used effectively so that we can absolutely raise children well without resorting to the things that make us feel awful.”

What are a few of the most basic mistakes parents make in terms of modeling behavior and discipline?

“It’s very difficult to own our own hypocrisy. That takes a lot of humility and insight and so if we can just always be aware of the challenge of looking outside [ourselves] and seeing if we are we’re asking our children to behave differently than we’re acting right now. You know, we yell at them to stop yelling. When we make a mistake it’s OK, but when they make a mistake, it’s like the world is coming to an end! And of course that’s a generalization, but I think if I was to stress one big thing, it’s our inability to recognize that we’re asking so much of our children that we’re not living into ourselves in terms of discipline.” 

“The distinction that I like to make is between teaching discipline and disciplining, right? Of course we want to instill discipline in our children. Of course we want to have boundaries and limits and expectations. That’s our role as a parent, that shaping of, quite literally, a future adult. But we don’t need to use discipline to do that. That is, well, ‘traditional’ parenting, normal parenting — ‘Do as I say not as I do’ or ‘Because I said so.” We act like we have all the power and kids are less than, are literally worth less and. And kids get that message through traditional discipline. So I think that distinction is useful.”

What are some effective parenting "tools" moms and dads can start using right away even as they work to change their greater approach over time?

“If I had to pick a few that were really handy, the first one would be to start to become aware of your own nervous system and reactivity, and to learn tools to regulate your own nervous system instead of asking your child to do that for you. To get really honest, a lot of times we’re asking our kids to change their behavior because we’re in a state, we’re stressed out, we’re overwhelmed, we’re exhausted and if it doesn’t feel good to us. But creating that inner equanimity is an inside job. It’s something that we can actually do. I use this visualization of being an oak tree, and I tell the adult that we are the oak tree, we have roots in the ground. We are solid, and a hurricane can blow, but we’re still solid, and I think that the practice of learning to be the calm in the storm really helps children feel safe — we’re not talking about physical safety, but emotional safety. [Providing] a feeling that they can show up as they are and we’ve got them. So that would be a big one.” 

“And then the second thing is to learn to communicate effectively. Communication is the replacement for punishments and consequences, but most of us haven’t been taught to communicate, and so in the book The Peaceful Parenting Revolution, we teach a whole communications framework. It takes repetition, but is the way to teach our children what they need to learn.”

How can parents recognize when an approach needs to change based on a child's age or maturity? Kids grow up slowly but steadily, and what worked one year or month or even week in terms of rule enforcement, communication, even humor will not always resonate well — how do we anticipate and perceive when we need to make a change in how we relate?

“I mean, they change week to week and sometimes minute to minute! I think the first thing is to recognize that parenting is not fixed. It is — and I say this in the book — it is a dance of meeting the moment with your full presence, knowing and accepting that it is going to change. Trying to control that? It’s like trying to control the tides or the weather. Children’s brains are not adult brains; they are not fully formed. We don’t have full access to our prefrontal cortex and executive function into our well into our 20s, and so having empathy, remembering what it’s like to be a child, getting curious about what’s happening for them instead of going right to ‘These are the rules’ or ‘This is how we do things here.’ It helps make things a lot easier in the day-to-day, remembering this is a four-year-old and this is a 16-year-old — they’re not an adult. And of course they’re shape-shifting and changing and growing and their brains are pruning and their brains are expanding. This is why I love for parents to understand brain development; it makes us so much kinder.”

How can we best encourage our kids to pursue activities and hobbies and pastimes that we know will benefit them without being pushy parents? (Which is to say not forcing the kid to play the violin, learn Mandarin, and do math drills all evening, but also not letting them wallow without any notable extracurriculars.)

“So to answer that question, I’m going to first start with just a quick note on our achievement culture. You know, especially here in the US and in Europe and other places, there’s just a lot of achievement pressure around everywhere. Like they must get straight A’s. They must play 10 sports. They must speak three languages. And so I always just ask parents to pause and check in and ask what’s the authenticity? What’s the value that you really hold in your family versus any sort of prescription or expectation from things outside of you? Where is that impulse coming from? And is it authentic? Is it about what other people think, or what really matters to you? 

“You’ve got to get to: ‘What really matters to me and to my family?’ Get that kind of clarified, and then we can start to look at what matters. For me, when I got really honest about it, what was important to me was that my kids moved their bodies; that they found a love of physicality. Did I care if it was soccer or whatever? No. It didn’t have to even be an organized sport. So now my son does jujitsu and my daughter does Pilates. They have found something that they love. 

“This is one of those places where, while everyone loves black and white answers, of course everything is nuanced. And so when you’re inviting a child to try something new, you might set an expectation. Like: ‘We’re going to try this for six months, and then you get to decide.’ It’s that delicate balance of creating the conditions for your child to succeed while also giving them autonomy in their choices, and it’s  a moving target that ebbs and flows, and I think knowing the value is the leading indicator that will really help support that movement through different interests at different ages. I’ve talked to so many parents over the years and, you know, they were like: ‘My kid was going to be an Olympic gymnast, and then in the eighth grade they just didn’t want to do it anymore. They’re failing!’ And I say: ‘Let’s, maybe… let’s look at that a little differently, right?’”

Assuming a parent realizes they need to make a fundamental change, how can he/she change the way they have parented in the past in a way that kids will still respect the parent (and feel respected) rather than feeling mom/dad is putting on something of a show or front?

“This is really age dependent, so if you have children under the age of 12, they will not think that. They have a much more open mind, and they are — much like we should all be — they’re present in whatever is happening. With older children, especially if they’ve got a lot of years of evidence that, you know, they haven’t felt seen and heard, or they feel like you don’t trust them, still not to worry. Resentment built up will take more time to ease, but that’s OK. They’re our kids! Just understand that it’s never too late. Children will always respond, eventually, I promise. I know it’s hard to be vulnerable, to be honest, but they will begin to trust that there is a new culture in the family with time and patience.”

What can parents do to authentically foster kids to get off screens, to get outdoors, to try new activities, and such?

“So I love this question and I get it all the time. When kids experience nothing but grief and pressure and pushing from the adults in their lives, it’s no wonder that they lose themselves in their screens. And I’m not blaming parents here, I’m just pointing out the obvious, which is when we feel that way, we reach for our screens. It’s actually a way that we kind of all learn to quiet our nervous systems. Online, it feels exciting, that connecting to peers, that new content. How can we reduce it? With more of that family culture, so device free-dinners where there’s a you know fun conversation happening, for example. And making sure it’s not heavy all the time; getting families out of the house to go hiking, maybe. We have Forced Family Friday nights here at my house, and my kids are 16 and 18 and they’re always complaining [about it], and they always want to do something else, but we do it. It’s from five to seven, it’s family fun. And we play games and just enjoy ourselves.” 

“You know, you are the leader of your family. and so creating an environment that is nourishing, that is more fun than the screen, and that really creates a lot of like daily ritual and shared memories, I truly believe that that’s the antidote. We live in a digital age, and so for me as a parent, I’ve made my peace with it; screens are going to be a part of my children’s lives. We just want to limit it some, and then teach them the values that will allow them to look at Instagram or whatever it is and to not go down the rabbit hole of eating disorders or whatever the thing is.”

Being that we're a largely outdoor-centric site, do you have any thoughts related to parenting/family life that are nature/outdoor-centric?

“Yes! I pulled my children out of a public elementary school when I found out they weren’t allowed to run on the playground, and then we put them in a school that was an outdoor farm school where most of the time they were outside. They could run, they could climb trees — broken arms were less of a problem than broken spirits. I think getting kids outside, spending time outside together, it’s just good for everybody’s mental health.”